I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
