Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
