she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
