his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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