Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
