were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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