I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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