Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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