My sheets look like a crime scene.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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