I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
