you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
