Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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