I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
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i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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