I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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