if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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