I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
