never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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