he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
