Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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