Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
