Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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