There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
