this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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