dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I hate all girls vehemently.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
