I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
