i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
