He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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