Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
