I'm jealous of your bromance
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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