guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
