Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
