Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
