Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
