This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
