you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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