Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
