he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
