I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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