I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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