i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
