Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
