I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
