I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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