I just cut my nipple shaving
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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