Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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