he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
