I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My bed smells like the plague
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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