This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
