No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
