i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
