So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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