his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Is it penis luge time yet?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
