I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
