when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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