On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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