Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
