you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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