Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
