Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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