i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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