So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
