It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
