I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
